Frickin pwo:s

Ok now..i personaly never belived in depression...i always said that the people who suffer from it are spoiled,or just weak...i was saying like...how come you have depression due to your life problems and people who are dying of hunger in africa don't have a depression problems...

Well first it's bullshit to assume that africans don't suffer from depression and second our own problems are always the most difficult ones...and that explains i'm an ashole...

This was during my competition preparation..i suffered severe insomnia...but that's like normal for bodybuilders...you eat less,you're constantly hungry,overtrained and there you go...so somehow i've menaged to go along

But one night as i was coming back home from work i sensed a sort of trembling inside of me but very weird one...line i've never experienced before...

As i came home the trembling turned into a sort of comfusion in my head...can't realy explain it but it was pretty scary...

What was even worst...i was home alone...my wife's job is to travel around sweden at least two and sometimes four days a week and that night she was on the road...i tried to eat..didn't work...tried to do cardio...nope... I was totaly fucked up...

after one hour i was walking in circles in our small apartment...going out on the balcony every five minutes cuz i felt as walls are comin after me and the room gets smaller...and the tears were constantly dripping from my face...even i don't recall that i was sad about some specific thing...

I was trying to talk my self into relaxing but it was no good...i was seeing myself as i was in the middle of this endless ocean of totaly black water...and i'm swiming hard as i can to stay on the surfice but the ocean is pulling me inside...and i'm slowly loosing strenght...

I thought of calling my wife even though it was like 3:00 after midnight but i knew even then that i would't be able to even tell her what's wrong and would just weep on the phone which would probably made her crazy worried so i decided not to call her...

It was a livin' nightmare but somehow i've menaged to fall asleep before dawn..Tomorrow was way easier but i haven't trained,no cardio...nothin'...

A few months ago i was checkin out some forums,youtube chanels and stuff and i ran into this two guys talking about several cases of heavy depression of using pwo:s...the descriptions were totaly matching mine...and now i'm pretty convinced that those supplements were the reason...but i was a total dork beside that...at that time i wasn't using one pwo but several...and all that with a caffeine tabs,500mg aspirine,redbulls...a big,big mess...

Anyhow,now days...i only drink coffee or two before i get out the door...no pwo,no shit...man...if that's the way that people with depression feel like...their lifes are so hard...

Well the realy good thing in all that mess to me,was the fact that in those hard moments,the only person i wanted to have with me was my wife...no friends,no family...nobody but her...you gotta respect that...