Well i gave some thoughts to stuff...and as i wrote in my last article i fell in love with my friend and it make me feel good about myself again...cuzz before for many years back i haven't felt tht...you know...pure love...
It was so frustrating the fact that whenever i meet a new person,i like him or her...but no love...like,i can meet tht person,have coffee with but it's always like..if tht person just decides to quit seeing me,i wouldn' five a shit cuzz from the begining there was no love...
So as years went by i was quite...well,not happy bout this fact,especialy when i feel tht all the people i know like or even love me way more than i even like thm...it made me ask myself am i tht kind of an asshole i've become...before i used to love...realy love people and care way more thn i do now...so to me the diagnosis was pretty simple...i'd turned into a SOCIOPATH:(((
Having tht thought about you is not something to be proud of...you realy feel fucked up...and i've watched some documetaries that alot of young people visting a shrink complaining tht they can't feel anymore...like can't feel emotions of any kind...
But as that same documetary said...the right people enters and dissapiers from my lives at the perfect time...and so it was for me...
My dear friend came to me like she was sent by god...and totaly changed a perception of how i see me...
It took me 15 minutes at our first coffee date to expirience a fucking eruption of love,and tht gave me hope tht my emotions are still here,working fuckin' awesome,and i realized tht i wasn't a fuckin' siciopath...and tht felt fuckin' beautiful:)))
Now i gave alot of thinking about it and how come that before for me it was so easy to feel for others and now it's so hard...
My first though was...maybe it's because i lived in serbia...people are different outhere..but since i don't belive in tht shit...tht people are warm and cold..i'v continued my research...
And than...it's start clearing out...what was the thing about me 15 years ago tht now is not...age...i was younger...but,does tht mean tht i became emotionaly numbed as i got older????
I know i'm not...now,after my friend i even can say i'm positive i'm not..so who changed...PEOPLE CHANGED!!!
People got older...i don' hang out with 18 year old boys and girls...i'm mostly with people similar age like me...
So what happened? They got older in that emotionsl sence...remember when you were youngster...how easy was to talk about yourself...telling people...about your problems but not just those convinient ones but all kinds of problems...you were totaly relaxed to joke hard and make fun of eachother without worrying you may look like a fool or like a loser...you'd simply say it...straight out,no sugarcoating...
And also,if your friend do something you think it's wrong..you would say..hey moron...why would you do tht like that...do it like this...etc...
Well now you got old and firstly polite...so you don't wana cross that line and sound roude..but also you yourself have set the boundaries about what stuff you don' appreciate of being asked....
Well let me tell you something about those lines and boundaries...it's a direct reason why you don't love the way you did and why others don't love you the wY you want them to...and you know what's the saddest part????
The part that makes me cry is when i hear a shot load of you saying..well than i don't need new friends...or then i don't need a boyfriend or a girlfriend or any new relationship...and why is tht????
The easiest question ever...it's because YOU have become a sociopath or you're in a one way street to become one..at the best!!!!
Not being able to share your emotions and face your vulnerabilities in front of others is safest way of pushing people away from you...
You're basicly giving a signals tht you don't wanna go there or tht you're not ready for deeper conversation..,so basicly wht you do..you switch to some more conceniant talks...which are basicly chit chattin' and belive me on this...no one will fall for you after chit chatting!
Having a first conversation with a fat person and that person never even brings up a food disorder or lazyness for excercising.,,i just give the fuck up...tht person is totaly shut down and in total denial...and to me that's the persong tht needs a psychiatrist not a friend!
I have a coffee for the first time with a person and i'm not asked am i using steroids...explains only one...
That person wants us to suck eachothers dicks and not realy hang out...like a compete bummer...
But let me explain myself a bit deeper...in order for you to even have a conversation with anybody including me...you need to seem interesting and smart person...cuzz,i belive i can get a loads of trash-prople that will be totaly upfront and spontanious but his mom is his aunt at the same time and instead of toilet paper he uses his nails...well...so...no thanks:))))
You can also be a super open person, but you tell me u hate black people or any other group if people that makes you a racist...in my eyes...you're not more tht a fuckin insect...and don't get me wrong..when i joke i joke so hard tht you wanna puke...but tht's joking and a retard can separate a person tht jokes and a fuckin' hater...so...joke is healthy in all shapes and forms...but that's it....
My goal is that that i can be able to say anything about me and anything that's on my mind to literaly anybody in this world...so..as morpheus said in matrix..."all i'm offering os the truth,nothing else"..that's my definition of being free...the greatest thing ever...
So stop following the patterns of wht society wants you to be and how to look...decent is fuckin' boring...almost as being shy...fuck that shit...i fuck my wife two times a week,i jerkoff once sometimes twice a day...usualy to big but porn...there's no person i know i haven been beatin' off to as long as it's a person without cook and balls...tryied even tht but id didn' work..i guess i just like pussy too much...i have isshues tht i'm more thn happy to talk about...i like to be questioned about everything and everybody...any fuckin' time....
..and i just fuckin' adore people who are open for tht as well...so if you're open in tht way...welcome to my life...if you're not...get help,cuzz sooner or later you'll end up alone in dark screeming in your pilow wandering why you don't feel nothing but painđą
Love each and every one of ya❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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